Therapy in the San Fernando Valley

What is a blended family / stepfamily?

To a child who does not belong to one, stepfamily may suggest Cinderella's family or the Brady Bunch. Actually, neither situation tells the whole story. In a blended or stepfamily, one or both partners have been married before. Each has lost a spouse through divorce or death. One or both of them have children from their previous marriage. They have fallen in love and decided to remarry. They form a new stepfamily that includes children from one or both of their first households.

Today, at least one-third of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a stepfamily before they reach age 18. The blended family is becoming more of a norm than an aberration. Born of conflict and loss, newfound commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, stepfamilies face many lifestyle adjustments and changes. Fortunately, most of them are able to work out their problems and live together successfully. But it takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.

What plans can parents make for a blended family / stepfamily?

~ Agreeing on financial and living arrangements for stepfamilies

Once a couple has decided to remarry, they should agree on where they will live. His place or hers? Many couples find that moving into a new home rather than one of their prior residences is a good idea. It reinforces the idea of a new beginning for them as well as the children.

The couple also needs to decide if they will share their money or if each wants to keep his/hers separate. Partners who have used the shared method generally report high family satisfaction, but this is up to the individuals involved.

It is a good idea for the partners to determine how they will handle medical care in case the other biological parent isnt available to sign a release for one of the children. Stepparents do not have the legal authority to sign a release, unless permission is given to them (preferably in writing).

~ Resolving feelings and concerns about the previous marriage

A second marriage may resurrect old, unresolved anger and hurts from the first one, both for adults and children. For example, a child can no longer hope that his biological parents will reconcile. Or an ex-wife may stir up trouble with her ex-husband when she hears he is about to remarry. The new couple must negotiate a final emotional divorce to clear the way for a fresh start.

~ Anticipating parenting changes and decisions in stepfamilies
Couples should discuss the role each stepparent will play in raising their respective children as well as changes in household rules that may be in order. Even if the partners lived together before marriage, the children are likely to respond to the stepparent differently after remarriage because he/she now has assumed an official parental role.

~ Discipline ideas for blended families / stepfamilies

First, set up a relationship with the children in which the stepparent is more like a friend or camp counselor than a disciplinarian.

Let the biological (custodial) parent remain primarily responsible for control and discipline of the children until the stepparent has developed a solid bond with them.

Until stepparents can take on more parenting responsibilities, they can monitor the childrens behavior and activities and keep their spouses informed (without appearing to be spies).

Without the children present, each spouse might develop a list of house-hold rules. For example, We agree to respect each family member. Or Every family member agrees to clean up after himself.

Then, the spouses can negotiate 3 5 rules that will be implemented in the family. Its a good idea to discuss the rules with the children and then post them in a prominent place.

When the rules are explicit, the stepparent is removed from the custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild triangle because he is simply following the house rules rather than acting like a policeman for the family.

~ Maintaining marriage quality in blended families / stepfamilies

Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other.

In the meantime, the newlyweds need to build a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit the children by creating a stable home environment. Couples should set aside time for each other, either by making regular dates or taking trips without the children.

~ Parenting in stepfamilies

The stepparent has the hardest role in a stepfamily. He may feel that he is always walking on eggshells. Relationships between stepparents and stepchildren tend to involve more conflict than those of biological families. Although a new stepparent often wants to jump right in and establish a close bond with his stepchildren, he would do well to consider each childs age, gender, and emotional status and first.

~ How do the age and gender of children affect the dynamics of a blended family / stepfamily?

Age
Forming a stepfamily with young children seems to be easier than forming one with adolescents mostly because of childrens different developmental stages. Both biological and stepparents will find it helpful to read and understand basic child development so they don't mistake developmentally normal behaviors as inappropriate, uncooperative or hostile towards them.

Young children under the age of 10 may find the adjustment easier because they thrive on close, cohesive family relationships. The forces that draw a stepfamily together coincide with the need of young children for emotional involvement and structure. Youngsters are usually more accepting of a new adult in the family, especially when the adult is a positive influence. These children, however, are quick to feel a sense of abandonment or competition if they think their parent is devoting more time and energy to the new spouse than to them.

Adolescents aged 10-14 may have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. They tend to be oppositional. Because of their sensitivity, stepparents need to be especially aware of having time to bond with them before stepping in as a disciplinarian or authority figure.

Teens aged 15 or older need less parenting and may have less involvement in stepfamily life. Older adolescents prefer to separate from the family as they form they own identities. They are less interested in closeness and bonding. Furthermore, since they are more sensitive to expressions of affection and sexuality, they may be disturbed by an active romance in their family.

Gender
Both boys and girls in stepfamilies have reported that they prefer verbal affection, such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, like hugs and kisses. Girls are likely to say that they are uncomfortable with physical shows of affection from their stepfather. In general, boys seem to accept a stepfather more quickly than girls. Verbal affection can be an important first stage of all stepparent relationships. Kindness and love communicated verbally will facilitate the bonding process and allow trust between stepparent and child to grow.

~ Will attachment issues affect a childs ability to find comfort in a blended family?

An individual who had a secure attachment relationship with a parent or caregiver when he was very young may have a better chance of relating well in his new family than one who did not. This is true whether he be the biological parent, stepparent, or stepchild.

People who have an insecure attachment history may have difficulty establishing close, loving bonds in a stepfamily. Fortunately, it is never too late to overcome this deficiency. An adult can make sense of his life by reflecting on his unhappy childhood and coming to terms with it. (He may need the assistance of a relative, friend or professional counselor to do this.) By repairing the damage he has lived with for so long, he discovers who he is. As he deepens his understanding of himself, he changes. He begins to understand others more fully and opens himself to a fuller range of experiences. He learns to choose his behaviors instead of reacting impulsively. This new knowledge enables him to communicate effectively with his children and stepchildren. Then he can develop secure relationships with them.

An insecurely attached child, too, can learn to trust others, to communicate and relate to people who treat him with consistent affection, attention, and respect. He soon sees that these people will help him meet his needs. A predisposition for bonding and love is wired into every child. A connection will take place if the caregiver stays centered and welcoming. Successful relationships build an internal sense of security for the child. They also foster the creation of the interpersonal skills that will enable the young person to make meaningful connections in the future.

~ What role should the nonresidential parent have in the blended family / stepfamily?

After a divorce, children usually adjust better to their new lives when the parent who has moved out maintains a good relationship with them. When parents remarry, the nonresidential parent often decreases or maintains low levels of contact with the children. Fathers appear to be the worst offenders. On average, dads drop their visits to their children by half within the first year of remarriage.

A stepmother talked about the painful process she endured because the biological mother moved very far away as soon as her divorce was final. This led the teenage children to idolize the absent mother and demonize the on-site stepmom. Realizing this, the stepmother tried to be a genuine friend and provide a cozy, loving home. Sixteen years later, this stepfamily has finally bonded. The stepmother says, I know that inviting the biological mother, her parents, and her sisters into our house and our lives was one of the most healing, helpful conscious decisions I made. But it was very difficult.

The less a parent visits, the more likely a child is to feel abandoned. The nonresidential parent can remain connected by developing special activities that involve only his children and himself.
It is not a good idea for parents to speak negatively about their ex-spouses in front of their children. This undermines a childs self-esteem and may even put him in a position of defending that parent.

~ Myths about blended families / stepfamilies

The following erroneous beliefs can influence the way family members react to each other. Thus, they can be major impediments to successful adjustment.

MYTH: Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.
     This is the expectation that because you love your new partner, you will automatically love his children, or that the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. But think about it. Establishing relationships takes time. It does not happen magically overnight.

     Even when you recognize the time involved, it is hard to acknowledge that sometimes you want to have a relationship with someone who doesnt want to have a relationship with you. That hurts.
When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.

     Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated.

MYTH: Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.
     Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often feel guilty about this. Somehow, parents feel they can make it up to their children. This makes it hard to respond appropriately to each childs hurt and to set appropriate limits an important part of parenting.

     Research has demonstrated that in time, most children recover their emotional equilibrium. In 5 10 years, most young people are no different, in many important ways, from kids in first marriage families.

MYTH: Stepmothers or stepfathers are wicked.
     This myth is based on the fairy tales children hear. Because these stories tell about stepparents who are not kind, nice or fair, people who accept this position may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but much of the world seems to have another idea about stepparents.

     The negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.

MYTH: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.
     Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope is that once the wedding is over, life will return to normal (whatever that is), you will be disappointed.

     Because stepfamilies are so complicated, it takes a long time, often 4-7 years or longer, for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.

MYTH: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.
     Children will always have two biological parents. They will adjust better if they have access to both. They need to be able to see their nonresidential parent and to think well of him. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is important to the childs adjustment and emotional health except in the rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.

     It helps if the residential parent and stepparent work toward a parenting partnership with all the adults involved. Sometimes this cant happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

MYTH: Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.
     People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one, no matter how the loss occurred. A remarriage may reactivate unfinished grieving. These emotional issues may have a detrimental effect on the new relationship.

     It can be difficult to think realistically about a person who is deceased. He exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood.

     When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to their previous one. After a divorce, however, they usually look for someone very different. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

MYTH: Part-time stepfamilies are easier.
     When the stepchildren visit only occasionally, perhaps only every other weekend, there is not enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/ stepparent relationships. And there is less opportunity for family activities. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process.

MYTH: There is only one kind of family.
     This myth believes that the stepfamily will be just like a biological family. It doesnt have to and probably wont be. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.

Tips to make a stepfamily's transition period less stressful from stepparents who have been there:

~ Remember that each child is unique and represents a different kind of challenge. As you get to know your stepchildren, youll see that each one has different needs, interests, and ways of reacting. Therefore, although you respond differently to each, it is important to treat all of them with love, interest and respect. Sometimes the child who is the biggest problem will turn out to be your greatest admirer.
~ Help all of the children in your stepfamily adjust to the many changes they face, from new home to new people. Brainstorm with them to find ways to keep in touch with their non-resident biological parent, old friends, old neighborhood, former activities that they don't want to give up. Encourage them to find the positive aspects of their new life and the new people in it. For example, their older stepbrother can drive them to visit a friend when parents arent available. Or living near the beach will make it much easier to get there more often.
~ One father invited his 15 and 10 year old sons to be Best Men at his second wedding. The older boy gave a toast in which he said, "Sally has completed our family. Ive not only gained a new mom, but also a dog and a bird."
~ You might suggest that the children read age-appropriate literature on Blended Families.
~ Don't take rejection by one of your stepchildren personally. Think of it as his reaction to a situation he doesnt like. Don't give up. Be present for the child; let him know you care for him, and treat him kindly.
~ Find a way for each child to express his feelings about the remarriage and the new family. Be available if theyre willing to talk with you. Or suggest that they talk with other family members. ~ ~ ~ Offer counseling if that seems like it will fly. Even teenagers who feign indifference need to air their emotions.

One young man who was 15 when his father remarried now admits that he pretended it didnt matter. I pushed my feelings away, he admits. He later studied Zen Buddhism and Psychology and learned to open up. Today, at peace with himself and his world, he is apologetic for how he treated his stepmother. He recently he persuaded his biological mother to let him invite his stepmom and his Dad to spend a week with him, his wife, and his children at his maternal grandparents summer home. That was my reward for hanging in there, his stepmom said.

~ Don't be alarmed when jealousy rears its ugly head. The children can be jealous of their new parent, fearing that this person will replace them in their biological parents life. They also may resent their stepsiblings because each child wants to be the special one. Imagine the plight of two stepsiblings, both named Sean, the same age, having to share a bedroom.
~ It is not uncommon at a remarriage for one of the daughters, especially if she is a young adult, to cry because (1) her fantasy that her parents will reconcile is shattered, and (2) she is afraid her relationship with her father is in jeopardy. This can ruin the wedding for the stepmother, especially if the biological father ignores his bride to take care of his daughter.
~ Be aware that loyalty issues can threaten the stepparent-stepchild relationship. For example, a stepparent may wonder whether his new spouse is more loyal to her children or to him. This attitude creates an inappropriate triangle involving the children, custodial parent, and stepparent. It reveals that the stepparent assumes that he and the children occupy the same hierarchical level within the family.
~ Sometimes it is not enough for the stepparent to be kind, supportive and generous to the stepchild. In one case, friction began when a stepdaughter got married. She and her stepmother had developed an amicable relationship, which she did not have with her own mother. But her husband and her stepmother clashed. The daughter sided with her husband. The stepmother tolerated his inconsiderate behavior until she couldnt stand it any more. She broke off her relationship with both of them. Her advice: Be yourself from the beginning. Be honest and straightforward. Take care of yourself instead of giving in to other peoples demands. Also, protect your marriage and maintain your spouses support.
~ Keep in mind that it is never too late to repair a damaged relationship, but you need to know what to repair.
~ Make your marriage your first priority. Keep in mind that each child is different. Plan your parenting strategies, family vacations, family weddings as a team, but have the biological parent implement them when that seems more appropriate.
~ Don't try to have a serious discussion or problem solve with the children when you are:
     upset
     too hot or angry.
     too cold or detached
     preoccupied or distracted
     having a bad day
     too exhausted to respond fully to the childs needs.
~ Open communication requires that all parties be calm and collected. If you miss an opportunity to respond to an expressed need, apologize as soon as you realize what happened. Even if the child no longer wants to share his feelings, it is important to let him know that you made a mistake and you are sorry.
~ Think of the parenting team of which you are a part as an umbrella for the children and your home as a safe haven. Be patient, and ultimately you will receive more love than you had before.

Building a life together: A review of the dos and don'ts
~ Do reassure children that the divorce/death was not their fault. Invite questions and discussion.
~ Do start talking with your children about the possibility of blending your family long before your marriage. Be tolerant of outbursts in children when you tell them about the re-marriage. Typically, they hope for reconciliation between the two biological parents. Realize children are suffering a loss during divorce/death, and they may be vocal about not wanting this new family. Assure children that they will continue to have a relationship with the non-live in parent. Begin a dialogue about the future family life. Mix in lots of listening so that everyone has a chance to acknowledge and mourn his loss through an open discussion of feelings.
~ Don't push your children into creating relationships. Allow bonds to evolve slowly and naturally. Give your children the time, space and flexibility to adjust to the new situation.
~ Don't expect your stepchildren to call you mom or dad. Let them decide what they want to call you. Their comfort level is important here. If they don't settle on a name easily, meet with them to mutually select a name that you are comfortable being called.
~ Do expect and accept different feelings between parent, child, stepparent, and stepchild.
~ Do establish a unified parenting approach that is evenly applied to everyone in the family. Create a solid bond that demonstrates stability and a sense that the new couple is in charge. Reach agreement with your new partner on how to address the important, unanticipated parenting situations that arise. Introduce correct behavior from a position of This is how we do it in our family.
~ Don't forget your marriage by focusing exclusively on the family. Make alone time with your spouse consistently. Nurture your marital relationship. Raising children is a challenge under any circumstances. Raising other peoples children is a special challenge. Having a strong marriage will help you blend your families together.
~ Do spend some time alone with each child and stepchild. Set aside time each day to connect one-on-one with all the children in your new family. This will help them establish a sense of belonging that enhances their connection to the group.
~ Do hold family meetings. This gives all family members a chance to express their opinions and have input into the rules, schedules, and planning of upcoming events. Family meetings provide opportunities for everyone to vent his feelings as well as to express appreciation.
~ Do establish new traditions. The new stepfamily has no shared family history, no shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. You will want to honor some existing traditions and rituals and develop others in the new family setting. Look for uniqueness in your new blended family and build a tradition around that. Be creative. Establish shared memories that are recorded in family photos. They can be as simple as baking cookies or working in the garden together. Or as exciting as a big trip.
~ Do respect former spouses parenting. Make sure he has quality time with his child/children.
~ Do avoid conflicts between the adults involved when the children are present.
~ Do invite childrens other family members to milestone events such as birthdays and graduations.
~ Don't hesitate to call on grandparents, family members, clergy, and support groups to help with the adjustments. Get all the assistance you can. Blending two families is both complicated and very hard.

In summary, blended family members can form strong bonds among themselves by:
developing new skills in making decisions as a family; fostering and strengthening new relationships between parents, stepparent and stepchildren, and stepsiblings; supporting one another; maintaining and nurturing original parent-child relationships.

When to seek professional help for blended families / stepfamilies

~ Studies show that children of stepfamilies face a higher risk of emotional and behavioral problems. They also are less likely to be resilient in stressful situations. Although most parents are able to work out these difficulties within the family, they should consider a psychiatric evaluation for their child

     when he exhibits strong feelings of being:
     alone in dealing with his losses;
     torn between two parents or two households;
     excluded;
     isolated by feelings of guilt and anger;
     unsure about what is right;
     very uncomfortable with any member of his original family or stepfamily.

~ A psychiatric evaluation might be appropriate for both the child and the family when:

     the child directs his anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a stepparent or parent;
     one of the parents suffers from great stress and is unable to help with the childs increased need for attention;
     a stepparent or parent openly favors one of the children;
     discipline of a child is left to the parent rather than involving both the stepparent and parent;
members of the family derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities such as learning, going to school, working, playing, or being with friends and family.


By devoting the necessary time to develop their own traditions and form caring relationships, stepfamilies can create emotionally rich and lasting bonds for each member. In the process, the children acquire the self-esteem and strength to enjoy the challenges that lie ahead.

If your family is in the middle of re-forming as a blended family, consider seeking help with any problems that may arise.