Therapy in the San Fernando Valley

Children and Your Divorce:

How can I reduce the possible traumatic effects of separation and divorce on my children?

Many children go through their parents’ divorce with relatively few problems or permanent negative effects. However, for other children, the effects of divorce can be traumatic and long-lived. Changes in a child’s living arrangements, time with parents, education and lifestyle can trigger the body’s fight-or-flight response – anger or fear. But when a child cannot adequately express or mentally process those emotions, the child may feel extremely powerless and “freeze.” This reaction is the basis of traumatic stress.

Trauma is determined by the child’s experience of the event, not simply the event itself. Different children in the same family may have a dramatically different emotional reaction to the numerous changes related to divorce. Your attitude shapes your children's attitude. Your words and actions can either expose your children to unnecessary emotional pain or help them develop in positive ways.
Trauma may cause depression and anxiety at the time of the separation or years after the divorce. It may also reoccur during weekends, holidays, birthdays or times when the child misses the complete family unit.

Here are some steps to decrease the possible traumatic effects of a separation or divorce:

~ Be honest about the potential for emotional trauma in your individual children.
~ Allow your children to communicate openly.
~ Offer your children choices, whenever possible, to increase their sense of power over their lives.
~ Find support for yourself and your children.

How can I prepare myself so that I can help my children go through the challenges of a separation or divorce?

If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame or guilt about your spouse, find someone to help you work through those feelings. Also, try journaling – but don’t let your children “accidentally find” your notes. By processing your emotions through writing or talking with supportive people, you will be modeling ways for your kids to better cope with their strong emotions.

You can also help your kids by not exposing them to marital conflict:

~ Do not argue with your spouse in front of your children or on the phone.
~ Refrain from talking with your children about details of your spouse’s negative behavior.
~ Develop an amicable relationship with your spouse, as soon as possible, andbe polite in your interactions.
~ Choose to focus on the strengths of all the family members.
~ Divorce can have a negative effect on your physical and mental health. So take care of yourself and your children:
~ Try to maintain your routines and your children’s routines.
~ Avoid isolating yourself from people.
~ Build your support group. Old friends may become casualties in divorce battles.
~ Take care of your health and your children’s health.
~ Provide and eat a balanced diet.
~ Exercise and play to relieve stress.

What are some suggestions for talking with my kids about separation and divorce?

When talking with your children about separation or divorce, it is important to be honest, but not critical of your spouse. Most children want to know why their lives are being upset. Depending on the age of your children and reason for divorce, this may require some diplomacy. As children mature, they will probably want more information.

Here are a few suggestions:

~ Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur.
~ Plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
~ Remind your children of your love.
~ Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
~ Tell them that your marriage problems are not their fault. Let them know they are not responsible for fixing them.
~ Tell them about changes in living arrangements, school or activities. Let them know when they will ~ happen. But do not overwhelm kids with details.
~ Be emotionally available to comfort them. Even if there has been much conflict in the home, children may deeply experience the loss of the leaving parent, or the loss of hope for reconciliation.

What custodial arrangements may be possible?

This is one of the most critical aspects of a divorce. Usually the court makes the final determination, but both parents and sometimes the children will give their input. The primary concern should always be the best interests of the child. Regardless of the parents’ negative feelings, they must make arrangements for a home that is safe, secure and loving for their children. Here are the options:

Joint physical and legal custody. Both parents share physical custody and legal custody. This is common when parents live near each other.

Joint legal custody. Both parents share legal decisions, but the child lives with one parent and visits the other parent.

Sole custody by one parent. One parent has custody of the child, but the other parent may be responsible for some financial support.

Legal guardianship by someone other than a parent. In this less common arrangement, neither parent has custody of the child. The court appoints a relative or other legal guardian for the child.

Other options may be creative and involve the child staying in the same home, but the parents taking turns living there on a regular schedule.

What misunderstandings may my kids have about divorce?

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce. They may remember times when they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. They may associate that conflict with their parents’ conflict and blame themselves. Also, some children may worry that their parents will stop loving them, or that they will never see one of their parents. Sometimes young children do not understand the meaning and permanence of divorce.

Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience. Reassure your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce. Gently clarify any misunderstandings about the custody arrangements.

Why do some parents misunderstand their children’s reactions to the divorce?

Most parents are dealing with their own feelings of doubt, grief, shame, fear, anger, or relief. They may project their feelings on their children. Your children have different relationships, experiences and needs, and their feelings toward the other parent may be very different than yours. However, in some cases when there has been much conflict in the home, the children may even pretend to share their parents’ feelings.

Also, if your own parents were divorced and you are divorcing your spouse, your feelings may be more intense and complex. This may distort, amplify, or minimize your perception of what your children are experiencing. If this is the case, discuss your feelings with supportive individuals who will help you put them in perspective.

What emotional reactions are common in children and what are some short-term behavior changes in children?

Each child will react differently to the news about your divorce. Initially, they may express anger, fear or tremendous grief. Some may act indifferently. Others may feel shame and hide the news from their friends or pretend it’s not happening. Some may even seem relieved if there has been much fighting in the home. Nevertheless, divorce is a loss – even if it is only the loss of a dream of a happy home.

You may be surprised by the intensity of your children’s feelings about the divorce, but try not to discount them.

How do I help my child cope with anger?

Rage, resentment and anger in all its subtle forms can be particularly hard to deal with when it’s coming from your children. At some point, they will probably express their anger with you and your spouse for destroying their sense of normalcy. This is an appropriate response to their loss. Although it may seem difficult, you can help your children through this:

~ Give them opportunities to express their anger openly and without judgment.
~ Listen to your children. Try not to react to their anger with displays of your own anger or by taking it personally.
~ Resist the urge to fix situations that are not fixable.

How do I help my child cope with shock and traumatic stress?

Even if there have been tension and problems in the home, some children will be shocked to learn that their parents are getting a divorce. It may take some time for them to acknowledge and accept that their lives will be different now. To help your children cope with shock and stress, you can:

~ Be patient with them.
~ Express your love for them.
~ Ease into the new routines and living situations, if possible.

How do I help my child cope with anxiety?

It is natural for children to feel anxious when faced with numerous changes and unknown factors in their lives. They may worry endlessly about minor and major situations in their lives. Problems with eating and sleeping may occur. To help your children cope with anxiety, you can:

~ Listen patiently as they express their fears and worries, even if they repeat them over and over again.
~ Respond honestly and supportively to their concerns. If their worries are well founded and may occur, acknowledge that fact as gently as possible.
~ Provide as much stability, security and consistency as possible. An anxious child often appreciates a consistent routine, seeing familiar people and going to regularly visited places.
~ Provide choices for children whenever possible. This will help to re-establish a sense of control over their lives.
~ Prolonged anxiety can create additional problems and is sometimes associated with depression. ~ ~ Seek professional help. Short-term cognitive behavior therapy can be very helpful for many children.

How do I help my child cope with depression?

Sadness about the family’s new situation is normal and appropriate. But sadness coupled with a sense of with hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become depression. Sometimes depression is referred to as anger turned inward. When children feel depressed they may withdraw from their parents or loved ones. They may neglect their homework, dissociate from friends and discontinue activities that once brought them pleasure. Their eating habits may change dramatically or they may engage in some form of self-destructive behavior. Additionally, depression in children often appears as agitation or acting out. To help your children cope with depression:

~ Encourage them to express their sadness as well as their anger with you, a favorite relative, or another responsible adult with whom they feel safe.
~ Reassure them that these feelings will decrease over time and help them notice times when they seem to be feeling better. Let them know that it is OK to feel better and to move forward, even though their life circumstances are different.
~ Promote physical activity.
~ Seek professional help. Short-term cognitive behavioral therapy helps many children deal with depression and correct false perceptions about themselves and life.

What are the warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety?

Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety, and seriously consider obtaining professional help for your child.

~ Loss of spontaneity: Normally playful children may become moody
~ Low self-esteem: Feelings of worthlessness, comments about being stupid or unimportant
~ Poor self-care: Poor grooming, excessive disorder in a formerly neat child’s room
~ Excessive sadness or moodiness: Prolonged withdrawal from people or moodiness, disinterest in favorite activities
~ Irrational fears or clinginess: Fear or avoidance of normally safe people, places and things; intense crying and separation anxiety when leaving family members or friends
~ Sleep problems: Unwillingness to go to bed, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, reoccurring bedwetting, refusal to wake up or go to school
~ Poor concentration: Chronic forgetfulness, missed homework assignments, or decline in grades for an extended period
~ Inappropriate anger: Excessive frustration, frequent angry outbursts, fights with schoolmates or siblings, yelling at parents
~ Drug or alcohol abuse: Experimenting with tobacco, medications, household substances, drugs, or alcohol
~ Sexual promiscuity: Engaging in sexual activity that ultimately threatens to damage your child’s emotional or physical health
~ Self-injury, cutting: Finding relief from emotional pain by inflicting physical pain, or taking excessive physical risks that result in injury
~ Suicide: Talk of killing oneself, making plans to end one’s life, suicide attempts. Immediately contact a suicide prevention organization or a mental health organization in your area.

How can my children benefit from additional support following the separation or divorce?

Children need people with whom they can comfortably express their negative emotions.

Some kids may avoid talking to their parents because they don’t want to hurt them or because they feel guilty adding to their problems. Others may feel intense anger and emotionally separate themselves from their parents, closing the door to communication. In these and other cases, children may benefit from having other people to talk to.

Kids also need skills to manage stress and cope with situations over which they have no control. Problem solving skills can help kids adjust to the issues of divorced families.

Ìf you are going through a divorce or separation, please consider seeking help for your family and/or children.